Sunday, November 20, 2016

#WhenIsAlmostNow

I publicly made a promise that I haven't kept. I promised to live in the moment, do more, see more, feel more. I promised not to put things off, to not let others get in my way, to not get in my own way. I promised to stop waiting for 'when' and to live by my 'when is now' mantra.
If I'm honest, I've been pretty crap at this.

I've made a couple of small changes. I sleep in an extra hour every morning (I now wake up at 5am. Big deal.). I leave work earlier (I get to see daylight most of the time.). I have a standing manicure appointment every two weeks which I never cancel (Staying committed is progress.). But it's not much.

And here we are, once again, heading towards the end of the year and I'm drowning in remorse for all the time I have wasted.

More significantly, we're exactly a month away from the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis. A whole year. I can barely remember life before it.

Also, I am three months away from my follow up scans and tests, which will either declare me cancer-free or solidify my status as a cancer patient. The closer it gets to these tests, the more anxious I get. You can think as positively as you like, but the worry bleeds into every part of your life. It's the nature of this piece of shit disease. I have to remain prepared. Prepared for anything.

So, anyway, back to my broken promises...

I'm going to cut myself some slack. It's been a really tough year. Having thyroid cancer is bad enough, but living life without a thyroid is so much worse than I was prepared for. It's been six months since it was removed and the doctors are still trying to get my thyroid replacement meds right. The side effect of that is an 18kg weight gain, weekly blood tests, terribly low energy levels, zero metabolism and very little tolerance for alcohol (I miss my precious tequila.). The thyroid struggle is real, people. Oprah wasn't lying!

We're getting there, though. My levels are slowly starting to come right and I'm about a month away from having some form of metabolism again. Thank fuck. I missed it the most.
So, the next three months are going to be really tough. Maybe the toughest. Because I had radioactive treatment which stays in your system for six months, I have to wait until mid January for my scans. I'm back to waiting. Waiting is the soup of the day again. Waiting. Just waiting. Did I mention I have no patience?

I have only one option. Stay busy for three months. This conveniently fits into 'when is now' and helps redeem me of the aforementioned broken promises. 

Plan: I'm going to cram it all in. December/January is going to be the absolute worst time for me, so I'm implementing Project Distraction. There'll be overseas trips, there'll be trips to Durban, there'll be trips to Cape Town. There'll be so many trips. There'll be a car purchase. There'll be so many things that I put off this year, that I promised I wouldn't.

I know this is all shallow and frivolous and will not enrich me mentally or emotionally, but being brave is exhausting. I'm human and I'm scared and I should be allowed to be a little bit ridiculous.

Yes?

#fuckcancer #wozadecember
#whenisnow

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